Torrential Downpour
by TangiblyYours
Summary: "Just stay here, alright? Don't let me push you away ever again," he whispered, his voice trembling. "I messed up, okay?" Logan finally admits the one thing that he has been desperately hiding for the past several weeks. How will Kendall react? Slash.


**Title: **Torrential Downpour

**Summary:** "Just stay here, okay? Don't let me push you away ever again..." He whispered, his voice trembling with a type of fear and pain that matched my own. "I messed up, okay?" Logan finally admits the one thing that he has been desperately hiding for the past several weeks. How will Kendall react?

**Warnings: **Some minor language and mentions of violent behavior. Overall, very mild.**  
**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters involved. No copyright infringement intended.

* * *

"I love you."

My tone was a hushed and timid, my entire body convulsing with a type of fear that seemed to disrupt even my vocal cords. I felt an unfamiliar burning sensation take up residence behind my eyes, intensifying as my vision blurred only slightly. "And... God, please... please just don't hate me, okay?" I whispered, barely able to contain the panic that was causing me to nearly burst at the seams. I could feel my control slipping from my grasp—my rationality forgotten about as doubt consumed me. "I wouldn't be able to handle that... I-I just _had_ to tell you, okay? I was so... _so_ tired of hiding all the time, and now... now maybe the way I've been acting... just _terrified_... Maybe you can understand now?" I mumbled, unintelligibly, my words running together and barely comprehensible.

As I spoke, I watched the emotions pass across Kendall's features, starting with amusement and mischief, slowly transforming into uncertainty, and what was that? Perhaps, fear. Finally his expression turned stone-cold—guarded and emotionless as he watched me with a dead gaze that I simply couldn't read. "You're not messin' around, are you? You're really serious about this?" he said, his tone filled with shock and quite possibly... anger? I felt another tremor of fear pass throughout my body.

I nodded slowly, a single tear running down the side of my face as my mind screamed at me to stop and just _pretend_ that it was all some giant joke... because the look on his face was suddenly deadly, a type of animosity that I'd never before seen grace his innocent features. "Kendall... please, don't do this to me... I'm sorry, alright?" I whispered, my voice continuously shaking at a steady rate. "Don't hate me..."

Suddenly, a grimace of pain passed through his expression before that dark and deadly stare returned—emotionless and as dense as granite. Kendall shook his head, slowly backing away from me as his gaze grew impossibly darker. "I can't... I can't deal with this right now..." His tone was just as cold and detached as his expression.

I felt my hand involuntarily lift slightly as I stepped closer to him, wishing so desperately that I could make him understand, or simply reverse time and stop myself from my impulsive decision to just _tell_ him. Kendall continued walking backwards, my hand left hanging in the air for a small moment as I felt another warm tear slide down the side of my face. He was still backing up, not watching where he was going, when his left leg lightly hit the couch. His reaction was unexpected to say the least as he physically recoiled, whipping his head around to identify the obstacle before his gaze returned mine, once again. Only this time, instead of the blank stare, I saw furious flames of anger and enmity, setting his irises alight with color and fervency. I swallowed hard against the lump forming in my throat.

"I can't deal with _you_ right now, Logan," he growled, his voice lethal as he turned and stormed out of the bedroom we had been sharing for the past several weeks.

The door slammed shut and suddenly the pressure in the room was almost too much for me to bear. Gravity was pushing me down, the weight of my decisions overwhelming me as I fell to my knees staring after the only person I'd ever really loved.

For weeks now, I'd been hiding that small but overly significant fact—the secrecy of the entire situation affecting my behavior drastically. It was emotionally destroying me, but I had maintained my carefully built charade, nonetheless—that is, up until only a few moments ago when I resigned myself to just _tell him already. _My resilience and determination to maintain my secret had faltered, and now I was left to face the consequences of the aftermath.

_He hates me..._

Those three words resounded within my head, the finality of the entire situation causing an unexpected emotion to arise—anger. It was like white-hot flames had been ignited beneath my flesh, fueling my immense aggravation if only for the time being. I was fuming—absolutely consumed with indignation.

I forced myself to stand, still staring at the door and internally pleading with him to just come back and revoke that distinct expression of disgust that had me absolutely reeling. I could already feel a hole forming in the pit of my stomach, a dull ache shooting from its origin with longing and abandonment. I missed him—it had been less than five minutes since he'd left and I _missed _him so much that it hurt.

I scowled as I lifted my hand to my cheek, wiping away the single tear before turning to my bed and collapsing on the black duvet. I buried myself beneath the blankets, sighing deeply as I resigned myself to an empty sleep.

* * *

I awoke the next morning to a familiar ache in the back of my neck and head. I sat up and looked around the room, noticing the emptiness and silence that was nearly deafening—he hadn't been in here all night.

I got up and made my way into the kitchen, not acknowledging my three friends in the slightest as I searched for a container of Aspirin and a bottle of water. I turned around and swallowed two tablets as James and Carlos watched me carefully with curious expressions, Kendall refusing to look at me.

"You alright, Logan?" James asked, his eyebrows pulling together with innocent consideration. I supposed I looked as worn as I felt.

I chuckled softly, forcing a smile as I leaned against the kitchen counter. "Yeah, fine." My tone held hidden traces of the frustration I was feeling, my voice breaking on the final syllable. The fact that Kendall was still refusing to acknowledge my existence physically and emotionally stung me, the weight of the situation bearing down on me. I closed my eyes, trying to control my emotions and pull myself together before I spoke again. "Didn't sleep too well last night," I mumbled, trying to keep my urge to growl subdued.

Throughout breakfast, I watched Kendall as carefully as I could without being noticed. Not once did he even look at me, acting as though I wasn't even there as he teased and joked with Carlos and James. His avoidance of me didn't go unnoticed by anyone, and there was an obvious tension filling the atmosphere that everyone chose to ignore. I quickly resigned myself to nothing but silently staring at my uneaten food, the hole in the pit of my stomach now gaping and pulsating with something almost like resentment.

As quickly as I could without being too obvious, I left the table, my plate of uneaten food still sitting in its place as I returned to my room. I changed quickly, deciding on a plain white t-shirt and a pair of jeans before heading out into the living room. I was hoping to avoid everyone as I made my way to the front door, praying for a silent retreat as I kept my gaze directed at the ground.

"Logan?"

I paused, sighing deeply as I lifted my head only slightly. Nothing could ever be simple, could it? "Yeah, James?"

"Is, uh... Are you sure everything's alright?" he trailed off, averting his gaze for a moment. "Did something happen with you and Kendall?" His voice was timid and soft, concern dripping from his tone as he watched me carefully.

I feigned a smile, trying to ignore that sudden and sharp stab of emotion that was a result of hearing his name. "We got into a small argument. It's nothing, though, really... I'm going for a walk, okay?"

"Alright, well, Carlos and I are going down to the pool... If you need anything, you know where to find us, yeah?"

I nodded slowly, directing my undoubtedly despondent gaze at the floor as I turned and left apartment 2J.

* * *

I had barely made it down the hallway before the weight of my frustrations collapsed in on me, making my balance falter as I leaned up against the wall for support. My head was aching and I felt nauseous—the hole in the pit of my stomach growing and deepening.

I knew that I had made a mistake—that I had irrevocably hindered my closest friendship by expressing the depth of my feelings for him. I could feel the burning sensation behind my eyes, my vision blurring once again, because this was absolutely _killing_ me.

I hated myself for slipping and telling him the secret that I'd worked so hard to hide. I hated myself for being blindsided by the pain and anger that was now consuming me completely. I hated myself for allowing my feelings for him, however involuntary it may have been, to deepen and strengthen into something beyond friendship. And I hated _him_ for abandoning me, turning his back on me when I needed his friendship and comfort the most.

I _hated_ him for not reciprocating.

The pressure, the tension, the heat and unending turmoil was slowly overwhelming me, making rational thought an impossible virtue as I clenched my hands into fists.

I needed to escape this tightness in my chest, this ringing in my ears and pounding in my skull—I needed to release some of this pressure, and I simply couldn't think clearly. I turned my body slightly, facing the wall as I pulled my right hand back and punched the solid surface with a type of force and strength I didn't know I was capable of.

The effects were immediate, a sharp and intense pain shooting up my arm as blood trailed down the side of my knuckle. I hissed in pain, a soft whimper as I pulled my hand to my chest, cradling it gently as my tears finally fell. My entire body was shaking, a lethal mixture of emotional and physical pain consuming me to the point of absolute insanity as I slid down the side of the wall.

I looked at the rough-textured drywall that I had punched less than a minute ago—not even a slight dent as evidence of my physical pain. I continued to cradle my bleeding hand as my tears fell more rapidly, my breathing labored and uneven.

I sat on the floor of the hallway for an immeasurable amount of time, trying to steady my breathing and calm the torrent of emotions spinning within me like a hurricane. I finally forced myself to stand, my legs shaking and the blood from my knuckle staining my t-shirt.

I walked back to the room, my exterior almost as broken as my emotional and mental state. I could only imagine how I looked right now—my bleeding hand cradled to my chest, my entire body shaking, and my breathing erratic and labored.

I tried to no avail to compose myself before entering the apartment, unsure of what or who to expect beyond the door. I whimpered softly as I pulled my uninjured hand away from my injured one to turn the knob.

The second I opened the door to our apartment, I regretted my decision to return as I met his blue-green gaze for the first time in nearly 24 hours. He was at my side in a moment, his disgust apparently forgotten about as the concern for my well-being gained dominance. "_Logan_... What did you do?" There was a sense of urgency within his tone, fear and anxiety making his voice shake slightly.

I looked down at my hand, a strangled whimper crawling up my throat. The blood was drying on my knuckles and shirt, my wrist quivering a bit more than the rest of my body as I continued to cradle it gently. "I... Oh, fuck, I think I broke it..." I said in a strained whisper.

Kendall gently guided me into the bathroom, helping me slide to the floor as he searched for the first-aid kit and a bottle of peroxide. His movements were controlled but his eyes were filled with skepticism as he collected several items and sat directly in front of me.

I closed my eyes, causing more tears to spill over the edge as Kendall tenderly pulled my hand away from my chest. I tried to calm the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts in my mind as Kendall inspected my hand, cleaning it with such a compassion and tender concern that I could feel that hole in my stomach closing up slightly. My breathing eventually evened out, the pain numbing slightly.

When I opened my eyes, Kendall was still cleaning my fist, inspecting it with careful ministration. His disposition was tense, his muscles trembling slightly, and he had tears pouring down his face. He finished cleaning my hand and slowly wrapped it in gauze, his careful movements and feather-light touches making the experience a little less agonizing than I'd expected. "This is my fault, isn't it?" he whispered when he finished, his tone matching his demeanor impeccably.

"Kendall, I'm sorr–"

"C'mere..." His soft tone cut me off as he shifted slightly, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a tight embrace, careful not to disturb my injured fist. I felt myself return the hug immediately, gently wrapping my arms around his torso as I buried my face into the crook of his neck. "I'm so, _so _sorry," he mumbled, pulling me closer and burying his face into my hair.

I finally felt that last strand of control and restraint snap as a single, dry sob broke free from beyond the barrier it hid behind. He held onto me tightly, mumbling something unintelligible as I growled into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. More tears gathered as though my body was physically rejecting all of the pent up emotions and anger.

After an immeasurable amount of time had pasted, I felt myself calm. I tried to pull back from the hug, certain that my proximity was making him uncomfortable, but finding myself unable to as Kendall tightened his grasp. "Don't. Just stay here, okay? Don't ever let me push you away ever again," he whispered.

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, my muscles going slack as—_finally_—indifference consumed me; I simply didn't care anymore, and my mind was worn from the torrent of emotions that had passed. "I am sorry, though," I started, my tone devoid. "It's not going to change anything... Fuck, just _stop _acting like I don't exist."

Kendall pulled back only slightly so that he could look at me. His irises were bright with confusion and uncertainly as he watched me for a moment, studying my apathetic, if not a bit annoyed, features. "_No,_" he started adamantly, "Hey, _I'm_ sorry, okay? _I'm _the one who _should _be sorry. Stop looking at me like that, alright? I was wrong."

I was lost within my thoughts, new questions arising with his reaction and his utterly apparent regret. Since he was refusing to let me go, I held on tighter, pulling him closer to me as I inhaled his deliriously sweet scent. And suddenly, it was as if everything was right in the world because, somehow, inexplicably, we reached an understand. This was _home. _

He tightened his grip and buried his face deeper into my neck, either a soft sob or a dry laugh escaping him. All the puzzle pieces seemed to fall right into place, all questions answered, and every technicality forgotten, because we were _both still here_.

Kendall pulled back a moment later, only slightly, and before I could even register his movement, his lips were on mine, moving with slow precision. I pulled him closer, reveling in the contact that I'd been craving and missing for so long. It was tender and gentle and so _fucking easy._

He was careful and concerned, he was vigilant and soft, he was the definition of warmth, security, and everything that always should have been.

When we finally ended the kiss, our grips around each other didn't falter as he rested his forehead against mine. He watched me carefully, his eyes burning with intensity and affection as he nuzzled his cheek against mine. "I messed up, Logan."

"I know," I whispered.

"I was scared."

"I know."

"But I get it now, okay?" he paused for a moment, gaze smoldered. "I think I love you."

"I know," I whispered as I closed my eyes and pulled him impossibly closer to me. Ease trickled down my spine as though a result of the copious amount of emotion that had drenched my thoughts previously. "Fucker." I smiled, soft and confident. "I love you, too, Kendall..."

The storm had pasted and natural order was restored. I had found my ease.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I've edited this slightly, although, I'm still not sure if I'm quite satisfied. I wanted to keep them remotely in-character, but it's not easy to do when you take genuinely simple characters and put them in a dark scene. However, I do hope you guys enjoyed reading this! And I hope to hear your thoughts. :)

Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed!


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